This article will be a departure from my usual fare. I will not claim there is some Absolute Truth deeming soccer the bane of humanitys sports. I do not contend that some objective divine standard places it in Dantes ninth circle of athletic arenas though I wish I could. Sport is a matter of taste and as G.K. Chesterton said (okay so this isnt a complete departure for me Im quoting Chesterton) There are no uninteresting subjects only uninterested people." I get it. And I I confess like golf. So mock away. But in this piece Ill ditch the Mr. Spock act let my human side emote may even contradict myself and will say something.
I hate soccer.
I hear theres something going on right now called the World Cup. I hear its in Brazil. I hear other pundits such as Stephen Webb and Rick Moran are commenting on it taking opposing views. And I hear that the score between the two is 0-0 after 2000 words. But I wont claim that soccer is un-American as did Webb or like Moran claim its fun. Ill say something truly intellectual.
I hate soccer.
When I grew up in the Bronx in the 70s few played that infernal game. I was exposed to it but could never relate. Why cant I use my hands? I mean I have hands. Theyre remarkably dexterous appendages. They exist to manipulate all manner of things in the physical universe. I preferred tennis and ping pong to handball sure but that was understandable. The racquets and paddles are tools that facilitate the striking of a ball; with them you can achieve a degree of velocity and spin which could curve the ball in fascinating ways otherwise impossible. And velocity and spin are cool. Its as if I need to pound a nail: I take my hand and pick up a hammer. I dont use my foot.
Thats the crux of this entirely taste-oriented matter. It goes without saying that professional soccer players are highly skilled. But to me its like seeing those unfortunate double amputees whove learned to paint or play the piano with their toes. I say Wow its amazing how mans spirit can overcome." Then I change the channel and look for something that can fill the hours remaining 59 minutes and 35 seconds.
So if soccer were in the Special Olympics Id understand it. Or maybe if it were played by birds. But why do human beings with their particular anatomical configuration want to use their feet for a task performed infinitely better by the hands? Its no wonder the scoring in soccer tends to hover around Joe Biden I.Q. territory. How many baskets would be sunk in the NBA if the players had to kick the ball through the hoop even if they could block only with their heads? How poor would the scores be in golf if you had to kick the ball down the fairway? A braggart may say I can beat you with one hand tied behind my back." Soccer players try to beat each other with both tied.
Mr. Moran correctly pointed out that contrary to Mr. Webbs assumption soccer is now tremendously popular in the US. I must attribute this in part to the influx of people from lands where they cant afford to play much of anything but soccer. And while Ive often inveighed" against immigration to use the word Rep. John Conyers (D-Soccer) did when citing my work upon waking up briefly in the House our foreign soccer imports might be the best reason to rethink our immigration regime. Do you play socc…er…ftbol amigo?
Si?
See ya."
Check the deportation column.
Call it the Immigration and Recreation Reform Act of 2014. Entry into the US would be limited to those with a history of participation in polo or yacht racing.
So save those feet for what they were meant to do such as kicking illegals out of the country kicking Cantors out of office and kicking the economy into gear. A hand is a terrible thing to waste.
This article will be a departure from my usual fare. I will not claim there is some Absolute Truth deeming soccer the bane of humanitys sports. I do not contend that some objective divine standard places it in Dantes ninth circle of athletic arenas though I wish I could. Sport is a matter of taste and as G.K. Chesterton said (okay so this isnt a complete departure for me Im quoting Chesterton) There are no uninteresting subjects only uninterested people." I get it. And I I confess like golf. So mock away. But in this piece Ill ditch the Mr. Spock act let my human side emote may even contradict myself and will say something.
I hate soccer.
I hear theres something going on right now called the World Cup. I hear its in Brazil. I hear other pundits such as Stephen Webb and Rick Moran are commenting on it taking opposing views. And I hear that the score between the two is 0-0 after 2000 words. But I wont claim that soccer is un-American as did Webb or like Moran claim its fun. Ill say something truly intellectual.
I hate soccer.
When I grew up in the Bronx in the 70s few played that infernal game. I was exposed to it but could never relate. Why cant I use my hands? I mean I have hands. Theyre remarkably dexterous appendages. They exist to manipulate all manner of things in the physical universe. I preferred tennis and ping pong to handball sure but that was understandable. The racquets and paddles are tools that facilitate the striking of a ball; with them you can achieve a degree of velocity and spin which could curve the ball in fascinating ways otherwise impossible. And velocity and spin are cool. Its as if I need to pound a nail: I take my hand and pick up a hammer. I dont use my foot.
Thats the crux of this entirely taste-oriented matter. It goes without saying that professional soccer players are highly skilled. But to me its like seeing those unfortunate double amputees whove learned to paint or play the piano with their toes. I say Wow its amazing how mans spirit can overcome." Then I change the channel and look for something that can fill the hours remaining 59 minutes and 35 seconds.
So if soccer were in the Special Olympics Id understand it. Or maybe if it were played by birds. But why do human beings with their particular anatomical configuration want to use their feet for a task performed infinitely better by the hands? Its no wonder the scoring in soccer tends to hover around Joe Biden I.Q. territory. How many baskets would be sunk in the NBA if the players had to kick the ball through the hoop even if they could block only with their heads? How poor would the scores be in golf if you had to kick the ball down the fairway? A braggart may say I can beat you with one hand tied behind my back." Soccer players try to beat each other with both tied.
Mr. Moran correctly pointed out that contrary to Mr. Webbs assumption soccer is now tremendously popular in the US. I must attribute this in part to the influx of people from lands where they cant afford to play much of anything but soccer. And while Ive often inveighed" against immigration to use the word Rep. John Conyers (D-Soccer) did when citing my work upon waking up briefly in the House our foreign soccer imports might be the best reason to rethink our immigration regime. Do you play socc…er…ftbol amigo?
Si?
See ya."
Check the deportation column.
Call it the Immigration and Recreation Reform Act of 2014. Entry into the US would be limited to those with a history of participation in polo or yacht racing.
So save those feet for what they were meant to do such as kicking illegals out of the country kicking Cantors out of office and kicking the economy into gear. A hand is a terrible thing to waste.