There once was a land a magical land with a chicken in every pot. And in this land which was called Progressitopia there were two peoples. There were those who saw the world as it was and there were those who saw the world as they oh-so-very-much wished it could be. The former were called the Trads and the latter the Progs. It was the Progs who held dominion over this great land and so it was they who wrote or re-wrote her history.
Now in this kingdom we must remember that Christianity or Christianism" as it would later be called (long since forbidden) along with similar such mythological and dogmatic phantasms remained the foremost if not the sole thorn in the Progs collectivist butt. Any and all thought or practice that might in any way undermine full realization of and strict adherence to progressive thinking was therefore strictly verboten.
In fact the Trads the traditionalist remnant had proven singularly responsible for the famines Civil War II and Progressitopias endlessly spiraling state of affairs both foreign and domestic a state that notwithstanding all predictions to the contrary somehow became significantly and enigmatically worse subsequent to the onset of progressive governance.
There was however one exception to this rule: Islam. Shadowing the glorious dawn of progressive reign came from oer the sea a mighty and fearsome caliphate. The Muslim faith spread like wildfire. Recruitment efforts were buoyed and appreciably so in that while yet a loving and peaceful religion any skeptic or infidel" who failed to convert was either immediately raped and enslaved or summarily beheaded stoned shot or blown limb-from-limb.
Whereas Progressitopians with their one-child-only abortion mandate stopped reproducing altogether adherents to the religion of peace rutted like rabbits. Every corner of the globe became thickly populated by devotees of the most praised Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him.
As global violence and jihad spiked it seemed for a time that Progressitopia and the Islamic caliphate would be one anothers undoing.
And then something extraordinary happened.
The King of Progressitopia a brave and handsome man most wise with visor of gold and scepter of 3-iron in hand bowed before the great caliph and presented a series of official mea culpas on behalf of his land. He prayed Allahs forgiveness for incurring his wrath just desserts for centuries of Progressitopian Imperialism.
And so these two seemingly incompatible kingdoms with wholly polarized worldviews agreed to forge an incongruous socio-political partnership an Islamo-Progressive Alliance." The alliance was built upon the maxim: The enemy of my enemy is my friend." The common enemy of course had formed its own unholy alliance: the Zio-Christian Axis of Evil."
And so it soon came to pass that independent Islamic settlements cropped-up throughout Progressitopia. The Michganistan Territory became for all intents and purposes Mecca to the Western Hemisphere.
Presently the Islamo-Progressive Alliance found itself enjoying a comparatively peaceful seven-year truce. Apart from a weekly handful of suicide bombings mass shootings and random beheadings carried out chiefly against Progressitopias women and children things were simply capital.
But then trouble in paradise economic turmoil. Toward the middle of the new millenniums third decade Progressitopias national debt ballooned to over 60 trillion. For many years Trad economists and debt alarmists" had warned that Progressitopias skyrocketing debt and deficits were unsustainable. These anti-progressive thinkers openly questioned the progressive strategy of taxing and spending ones way to prosperity.
They felt irrationally so that such approach represented as one provocative naysayer phrased it an epically stupid and patently impossible self-contradiction. No more can one spend his way out of debt than can he cheat his way out of adultery."
Another fundamentalist cynic offered a less hurtful yet no less sensationalist analogy: When a bridges infrastructure becomes unsustainable" he alleged it will ultimately collapse if its integrity is compromised to the degree that it can no longer support some burgeoning mass. So too it goes apparently as relates integrity to politicians governments and national debt."
Right-wing propaganda aside Progressitopias economy did nonetheless unexpectedly collapse for reasons ultimately deemed inconclusive.
Now as heretofore told and as go the history books Christianism had from time immemorial been the very bane of free-thinking humanitys existence. This hateful mythology had been largely to blame in concert with its sister-faith Judaism and its insufferable cousin conservatism an equally curious mental disorder for all of the worlds wars slavery racism sexism disease capitalism global warming and most onerously perhaps gluten sensitivity.
Moreover both Christianism and conservatism were ultimately determined to have been the catalyst for the systemic phobia outbreak that inexplicably began around the turn of the century. First there was homophobia an irrational chronic and debilitating fear of the square-hole-round-peg people or as this flamboyant troupe so enamored with acronymic wordplay preferred to be called: the SHRP community." Since SHRPs displayed impeccable fashion sense and a flair for the fabulous Neanderthalic Trads were most naturally terrified by them.
Then came Islamophobia the irrational fear of having ones head lopped off followed by transphobia the fear of naked men in ladies locker rooms polyphobia the fear of communal rompathons as well as an all-inclusive litany of other phobias relating to myriad sexual orientations gender identities and expressions.
Next there emerged the great progressiphobia pandemic of 27. This involved an equally absurd though no less universal fear of progressive thought practice or people. This for a time threatened to halt Progressitopias progressing progress altogether.
Finally there occurred a worldwide outbreak of phobia-phobia. This was of course a condition delineated by the once again irrational denial that any of the aforementioned phobias had any basis in reality whatsoever" but rather were simply ham-fisted pejoratives intended to marginalize ones political opposition."
But alas we must for now part ways. My gluten-free frittata grows cold.
There once was a land a magical land with a chicken in every pot. And in this land which was called Progressitopia there were two peoples. There were those who saw the world as it was and there were those who saw the world as they oh-so-very-much wished it could be. The former were called the Trads and the latter the Progs. It was the Progs who held dominion over this great land and so it was they who wrote or re-wrote her history.
Now in this kingdom we must remember that Christianity or Christianism" as it would later be called (long since forbidden) along with similar such mythological and dogmatic phantasms remained the foremost if not the sole thorn in the Progs collectivist butt. Any and all thought or practice that might in any way undermine full realization of and strict adherence to progressive thinking was therefore strictly verboten.
In fact the Trads the traditionalist remnant had proven singularly responsible for the famines Civil War II and Progressitopias endlessly spiraling state of affairs both foreign and domestic a state that notwithstanding all predictions to the contrary somehow became significantly and enigmatically worse subsequent to the onset of progressive governance.
There was however one exception to this rule: Islam. Shadowing the glorious dawn of progressive reign came from oer the sea a mighty and fearsome caliphate. The Muslim faith spread like wildfire. Recruitment efforts were buoyed and appreciably so in that while yet a loving and peaceful religion any skeptic or infidel" who failed to convert was either immediately raped and enslaved or summarily beheaded stoned shot or blown limb-from-limb.
Whereas Progressitopians with their one-child-only abortion mandate stopped reproducing altogether adherents to the religion of peace rutted like rabbits. Every corner of the globe became thickly populated by devotees of the most praised Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him.
As global violence and jihad spiked it seemed for a time that Progressitopia and the Islamic caliphate would be one anothers undoing.
And then something extraordinary happened.
The King of Progressitopia a brave and handsome man most wise with visor of gold and scepter of 3-iron in hand bowed before the great caliph and presented a series of official mea culpas on behalf of his land. He prayed Allahs forgiveness for incurring his wrath just desserts for centuries of Progressitopian Imperialism.
And so these two seemingly incompatible kingdoms with wholly polarized worldviews agreed to forge an incongruous socio-political partnership an Islamo-Progressive Alliance." The alliance was built upon the maxim: The enemy of my enemy is my friend." The common enemy of course had formed its own unholy alliance: the Zio-Christian Axis of Evil."
And so it soon came to pass that independent Islamic settlements cropped-up throughout Progressitopia. The Michganistan Territory became for all intents and purposes Mecca to the Western Hemisphere.
Presently the Islamo-Progressive Alliance found itself enjoying a comparatively peaceful seven-year truce. Apart from a weekly handful of suicide bombings mass shootings and random beheadings carried out chiefly against Progressitopias women and children things were simply capital.
But then trouble in paradise economic turmoil. Toward the middle of the new millenniums third decade Progressitopias national debt ballooned to over 60 trillion. For many years Trad economists and debt alarmists" had warned that Progressitopias skyrocketing debt and deficits were unsustainable. These anti-progressive thinkers openly questioned the progressive strategy of taxing and spending ones way to prosperity.
They felt irrationally so that such approach represented as one provocative naysayer phrased it an epically stupid and patently impossible self-contradiction. No more can one spend his way out of debt than can he cheat his way out of adultery."
Another fundamentalist cynic offered a less hurtful yet no less sensationalist analogy: When a bridges infrastructure becomes unsustainable" he alleged it will ultimately collapse if its integrity is compromised to the degree that it can no longer support some burgeoning mass. So too it goes apparently as relates integrity to politicians governments and national debt."
Right-wing propaganda aside Progressitopias economy did nonetheless unexpectedly collapse for reasons ultimately deemed inconclusive.
Now as heretofore told and as go the history books Christianism had from time immemorial been the very bane of free-thinking humanitys existence. This hateful mythology had been largely to blame in concert with its sister-faith Judaism and its insufferable cousin conservatism an equally curious mental disorder for all of the worlds wars slavery racism sexism disease capitalism global warming and most onerously perhaps gluten sensitivity.
Moreover both Christianism and conservatism were ultimately determined to have been the catalyst for the systemic phobia outbreak that inexplicably began around the turn of the century. First there was homophobia an irrational chronic and debilitating fear of the square-hole-round-peg people or as this flamboyant troupe so enamored with acronymic wordplay preferred to be called: the SHRP community." Since SHRPs displayed impeccable fashion sense and a flair for the fabulous Neanderthalic Trads were most naturally terrified by them.
Then came Islamophobia the irrational fear of having ones head lopped off followed by transphobia the fear of naked men in ladies locker rooms polyphobia the fear of communal rompathons as well as an all-inclusive litany of other phobias relating to myriad sexual orientations gender identities and expressions.
Next there emerged the great progressiphobia pandemic of 27. This involved an equally absurd though no less universal fear of progressive thought practice or people. This for a time threatened to halt Progressitopias progressing progress altogether.
Finally there occurred a worldwide outbreak of phobia-phobia. This was of course a condition delineated by the once again irrational denial that any of the aforementioned phobias had any basis in reality whatsoever" but rather were simply ham-fisted pejoratives intended to marginalize ones political opposition."
But alas we must for now part ways. My gluten-free frittata grows cold.