While Barack Obama’s recent telephone conversation with Russian president Vladimir Putin about the Crimean standoff has been widely reported, the exact substance of the discussion has remained a mystery.
That is, until now.
Owing to highly placed confidential sources, I’m pleased to report that I have become privy to some of the details of their talk. What follows are the top ten things Putin said to Obama:
- Look, the Ukrainians have a country; they didn’t build that. Somebody else made that happen.
- I’m just fulfilling the dreams from my father.
- I can’t help myself; I’m a typical white person.
- For the first time in my adult lifetime, I’m really proud of your country.
- Yes, we can.
- No, you can’t.
- No matter how this turns out, Barry, I’ll R-S-P-E-C-T you in the morning.
- I promise never to threaten any of your 58 states.
- If I had a new province, it would look like Ukraine.
And number 1…
- If you like your foreign policy, you can keep your foreign policy.
The president reportedly was somewhat befuddled after the conversation and told an aide, “When does persuasion become invasion? I don’t know, that’s above my pay grade.” Meanwhile, Putin is said to have explained to a close advisor, “I figured that after his election, I’d have more flexibility.”